There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
