Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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