Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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