if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
