gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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