Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
