after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
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