I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize