I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
