hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize