it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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