If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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