Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
