there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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