I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
