I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
