I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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