Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
