i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
