Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize