There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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