It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
