I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize