So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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