dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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