Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
