you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
