we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
