I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
