She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Randomize
