I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Randomize
