The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
