I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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