I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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