Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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