8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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