Can Purell be used as lube?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
