Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
