Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
