I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
