in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
