I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
