Sry I called you an 8
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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