Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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