I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
