Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
