Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
