You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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