did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
