Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
