OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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