My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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