8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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