Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
