so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
