What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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