drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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