that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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