Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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