I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
